Happiness

There's just no accounting for happiness,
or the way it turns up like a prodigal
who comes back to the dust at your feet
having squandered a fortune far away.

And how can you not forgive?
You make a feast in honor of what
was lost, and take from its place the finest
garment, which you saved for an occassion
you could not imagine, and you weep night and day
to know that you were not abandoned,
that the happiness saved its most extreme form
for you alone.

No, happiness is the uncle you never
knew about, who flies a single-engine plane
onto the grassy landing strip, hitchhikes
into town, and inquires at every door
until he finds you asleep midafternoon
as you so often are during the unmerciful
hours of your despair.

It comes to the monk in his cell.
It comes to the woman sweeping the street
with a birch broom, to the child
whoose mother has passed out from drink.
It comes to the lover, to the dog chewing
a sock, to the pusher, to the basket maker,
and to the clerk stacking cans of carrots
in the night.
It even comes to the boulder
in the perpetual shade of pine barrens,
to rain falling on the open sea,
to the wineglass, weary of holding wine.

-Jane Kenyon
1947 - 1995

taken from jennifer weiner's 'the guy not taken'.

damn it man.
im sick of people
interfering with my life.

i am whoever you think i am.
if you dont like me, there is nothing i can do.
i dont live to please you.






from now on
anyone who intrudes my space
owes me a ljs-combo-one-change-the-drink-to-ice-milo-and-can-i-add-the-skin-on-potato-with-extra-cheese-and-a-pineapple-cheese-pie dinner.





nah
im just kidding.
im just out to get a free dinner.

the holiday which isnt one.

he is so much sweeter than he already is.





i think the sole pretext is because
im really unwell.


major cheesecake points.











i bought for his riders and himself durian puffs.

now.
see who is the sweeter one?

really classic.
very beautiful.




listen to your heart - roxette

i know there's something in
the wake of your smile.
i get a notion from the look
in your eyes, yea.
you've built a love but
that love falls apart.
your little piece of heaven
turns too dark.

listen to your heart
when he's calling for you.
listen to your heart
there's nothing else you can do.
i don't know where you're going
and i don't know why,
but listen to your heart
before you tell him goodbye.

sometimes you wonder if this
fight is worthwhile.
the precious moments are all
lost in the tide, yea.
they're swept away and
nothing is what is seems,
the feeling of belonging to your dreams.

listen to your heart
when he's calling for you.
listen to your heart
there's nothing else you can do.
i don't know where you're going
and i don't know why,
but listen to your heart
before you tell him goodbye.

and there are voices
that want to be heard.
so much to mention
but you can't find the words.
the scent of magic,
the beauty that's been
when love was wilder than the wind.

listen to your heart
take a listen
when he's calling for you.
listen to your heart
take a listen
there's nothing else you can do.
i don't know where you're going
and i don't know why,
but listen to your heart
before..

listen to your heart
take a listen
when he's calling for you.
listen to your heart
take a listen
there's nothing else you can do.
i don't know where you're going
and i don't know why,
but listen to your heart
before..

you tell him goodbye.









and i love it.

my dearest firdaus,

happy twenty-first,
my dear fir
you deserve all the joy, happiness and love
the world should provide.

for being right there when i was at my lowest
for making me believe again that i was beautiful inside out
for listening without ever complaining
for making the hours at guardian less weary
for my very first bike ride on your kawasaki baby
for diminishing completely my stereotype on the typical mat reps
for believing in the strength i never thought i had
for sharing and opening up to me.

and so much more..

thanks alot.
i could have never done it
without you.

for many more years to come
i wish you the very best
cause you really deserve it.

for the really wonderful person you are.
and the best lefty i have ever known.


love, me.

champions.

the west zone takraw championships ended on friday.
securing the guys a spot in the finals.
the exhilaration of victory
left the boys crying
and the girls amused.

the team guarded the ball like it was their lives.
reading each other's minds.
backflipping to send the ball over.
cheering one another on.

not once did they falter.

immediately after the game point, with yati.

the team line-up.

team cheer.

syazana' current squeeze - irwan putra.

i knew exactly how they felt.










he wanted to surprise me.
but i guess he waited too long.

iz: hey im waiting outside your school.
syaz: really?!did you ride here?
cause my sis did relief teaching here today.
im supposed to go home with her.
iz: you think i cannot take public transport just because i have a bike?
kalau you pakai baju kurung macam maner?..

guess who was the one excited to see him?
yeah, syazana.
she waved to him from far
with that grin on her face.
"he is so nice to me."
thanks to the frequent free mcdonalds meals he gave her,
i think.

he followed us around the pasar malam.
not even complaining abit
when nana took an exceptionally long time
to choose her earstuds.

dinner that night was on me.











we have been miscommunicating.
its really draining.

i have never seen so many stars shining
in singapore,
yet alone at the park.
beautiful.
he said he would bring me to a place
where the night sky is even lovelier.


i dont think anything beats the night sky at ubin.
a wish for every shooting star
and as i told rage 6 years ago,
my wishes,
they came true.











two straight days
watching the guys play sepak takraw.
the epitome of 11 and 12 year old coolness.

the ball went over the net to their court
in that split second,
he did a back flip and sent the ball over.

got all of us whisltling and cheering
his team mates banging the cooler with their empty bottles
to the typical beat.











more sepak takraw for the entire week.
maybe i'll teach them to use
the super huge pre-emptied black bins
and drum them,
the JJ way.

woo.

when i received his msg,
i didnt even bother the fact that it was way past midnight.
over the phone, i knew he had been crying.
and i have never imagined him in that state.

his father passed away after battling with lung cancer.
imran looked so strong,
despite the great loss.




its going to be the very first and last i turn up for school
... in a baju kurung.















bottomline: smoking kills.

alot happened
ever since i blogged the last time.
in order of chronology,







the drink stall guy.


we stopped by for coffee.
that guy stood next to me
while i was paying for my drink.
asked where i stayed and how old i was.

"saye dari mersing, nak masok 21 tahon pon.
kalau awak kasi nombor, boleh la kiter jumper nanti.
dah dekat pon."

i flashed my eyes at him,
and pointed to where my father was siting.
"itu bapak saya.
awak nak nombor saya? tanyer la dier."







abang didi's and kak fizah's at port dickson.


so much for the getaway.
i tried uploading the photos but
i guess the blogger "add image" tool is screwed up.

most of the hours spent at kampong paya.
abang didi's wedding was lovely
at the cost of our aching backs.
the food was especially awesome la.

and the kendarats?
army and rugby guys.
all thanks to abang didi.

and my all-time favourite part of every malay wedding.
the kompang beats.







the unfortunate stopover at ayer keroh.


along the row of beemers, mercs, hondas, volvos, toyotas
and who knows what else,
atok's mitsubishi lancer got broken into
in broad daylight.

the work of a pro.
he merely meddled with the boot's keyhole.
and got away with both makngah and pakngah's luggages.
3 passports, wallet with credit cards, cash and atm.
clothings including pakngah's all blacks tee, toiletries, new perfumes.

nana was already swearing when we got into the car.
headed to the nearest balai polis.
had to wait for nearly 2 hours for the inspector to come,
i fell asleep in atok's car.

apparently that hafidi-look alike inspector was unbelievably young.
according to those who saw him.
wrote a letter of statement,
while we all prayed that makngah, pakngah and syahir would not be detained.

they were held back for a moment at the checkpoints.







Bruciare la vostra Passione.


sighted a ferrari at the victoria concert hall carpark.
in lambo yellow. with its roof down.
something screwed up and we ended up waiting at the steps.
syahir sent out a text: SHOUT FOR ENCORE.

loved the encore la.
especially that "drum battle".
nana was totally hooting and whooping for the guy.

got home really really late.
and starving.







grounded.


a rare opportunity not to have him working last night.
so he picked me up from school.
he needed the schedule
so we dropped by woodlands point macs.
thanks to him, the entire rider crew knows my name.

and fir was there!!
it took much effort to restrain myself from
jumping onto him and hugging him.
its been quite some time, and i missed him alot.
even iz could see that
he left the both of us to talk privately.

had cheese naan for dinner.
with mutton keema.
dropped me off a respectable distance away from my block.
and walked me home.

i was grounded.
for coming home really late.
twice in a row.







the confession.


i have been very careful not to fall in love
with any girl i went out with.
but its different with you.
you're making me fall deeper for you.
and i think of you every moment.

i never expected this to happen.
not from iz.
its not only the sister who doesnt approve.

well.
i dont know.








that four hour long phonecall.


and that very night.
my phone rang at 12.31am.
number with held.
i recognised the voice.
its been such a long time.

he should have just shut up.
and not said any of it.
none at all.

i swore to myself a long time ago.
no matter what i felt.
that i wouldnt freaking do it again.

and he is the only freaking one
who is able to make me say whatever thats on my mind.
and he knows whenever im lying.
im thinking its part of the officer training.
i think its not long before they will be able to read other people's minds.










this morning.


i woke up to iz's call.
as a cranky bitch.
i bet its the super lack of my deep slumber.

and its showing.
eyebags.
i think im falling sick.
hoarse voice.

urgh.