i filled my tote with a load that friday evening.
expecting to complete them by monday.
but i never touched a single thing in that bag,
ever since i got home that friday night.








an estimated
7 cars and 13 bikes.
we headed to malaysia on sunday morning.

me, syazana, saleha and jannah
piled up into rauf's proton.
with jannah's eldest brother driving.
syazana's ultimate cute and cool abang fadhli chua.
yeah.
she got all esctatic knowing we shared the same surname.

he got us wishing we had elder brothers.
the only thing that keeps me wishing on a wishing star.

music blasting from the stereo.
bodies moving to the beat.
especially to eve's who's that girl.

so we're singing,

uh, uh yo, yo, yo
they wanna know
who's that girl?
la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la.
eve's that girl
la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la.
who's that girl?
la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la.
eve's that girl
la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la.

pictures up on hoirul's facebook.
















so i was having lunch at the lounge.
when my eyes caught the home section of the paper.
the headlines screamed
DEATH ON TWO WHEELS.

"A total of 103 motorcyclists and their pillions never made it home alive last year, a toll that numbered one more than in 2006. This indicates that the roads have become no less dangerous for those who ride on two-wheelers.
Almost half of the 219 motorists who died on the roads last year were on motorbikes or scooters."

omg.
it didnt help when nana sent me an email of a video.
a motorcyclist got hit by a 6-wheeler lorry.
and his body ran over by that lorry thereafter.

as much as i believe that death can take you,
at anytime, any how it would occur and anywhere..
the exact debate i had with ibu when she refused to give me consent to bungee jump at new zealand.
i couldnt help but get worried.





really worried.
so, how?

it was my longest.
from bukit gombak to woodlands.
we rode along the expressway in the rain.
freaking drenched.
thank god his honda was bigger and more stable than fir's kawasaki.
so i shant complain.








skipped school on thursday thanks to some briefing at moe.
all covered by janice, so its cool.
prata at alif's in the late afternoon.
its nice though.











the all-too-familiar blue board.
outrage of modesty.
2 blocks away from mine.
at 0700 hours.
oh my goodness la.
















they broke up already.
wow.

school is starting on the fourteenth.





the brother is running a temperature.
at a freaking high 39.4 degrees.
i have just given him a dose and placed an ice pack on his head.
while he lays on the sofa downstairs playing his gameboy.














it always happens.
when i have too much stuff in my head.
and when i have to think.
i really dont like it.

i am that carefree girl.
but.
how can i go with the flow when the flow is not going?
that catch phrase on the canterbury tee is playing on my mind.
when the going gets tough, the tough gets going.
















time to check on the brother.

for that time, i felt like that guy from just my luck.
my inner strength amazed me so much, seeing that i was still very much alive and not even a slightest hint of breakdown.
so yeah.






the entire of last saturday was the rundown of my 2 years jc life.




morning.
the student council organised a homecoming for the sports ccas.
so we were cordially invited -
including sari's, damai's and ross'.
much has changed ever since we left school, especially the field.
the synthetic grass enabled us to play touch barefooted.


thousands of past soccer team batches came down as well.
so there were like.. a million soccer guys around the grandstand.
plenty of familiar faces. eyebrow raising with slight smiles and catching up.
okay.
its an exaggeration la, but they clearly dominated the area.

evening.
gwen's twenty-first was cool shit.
just off namly avenue, the lounge was located in the middle of singapore's most lavish district.
hundreds of photos uploaded onto most of their facebooks.
horrible unglam candid shots.
here are just some.

my favourite girls.
without elaine (in the toilet), gwen (the birthday girl) and ari (she couldnt turn up).
its been quite some time.
yeah.
and with them around, its all love, fun and laughter.
if you know what i mean.

so.
the theme was back to the primary school days.
i slipped into my secondary uniform and so did many others.
suria did a nice version with her ponytail and plastic frames.
great ambience.
cool music.

in the words of badot.
"always first to the eating table."
im fine with that.
free flow of punch from the bar.

empty plates.
we were still contemplating if the food was halal.

my side of the table.
tucking in our plates from the left -
vivien, ayu, me, fai and suria.
yeah we each had party hats and party poopers.
scrumptious food.
lela wanted to bet how many times i would get my plate filled.

the other side of the table with jessie, syl, lela and azizah.

and those on the couch.
clockwise: pei sean, charlene, joelyn, amenda and elaine.

guilty of greed and gluttony.
the both of them, there should be no finger-pointing.

smashing time playing foosball.
making such racket that we screamed till our throats sore-d.

clearly elaine couldnt contain her exhilaration.
yeah she was the one who scored that goal.

then we dominated the pool table as well.

its been such a long time since ive seen him.
my partner-in-crime.
skipping history lectures and maths classes together.
copying homework.
JJC's rugby winger.
made me eat one of those red eggs for a pole dance.
it stained my hands la.
you owe me one big time, gen xian.

love them.
with all my heart.

apparently some guys popped 2 bottles and drank themselves drunk that they puked 2 sinks full.
disgusting.
awfully flushed red faces.

i got home really late on sunday night.
without calling, which made them all worried sick.
hung out with fir.
plenty to talk about that very night.
after his two sticks, he got me on his bike and rode me home.
near midnight.

the sister felt it.
especially when she heard the motorbike.
she just knows, i dont know how.

the parents were already out of the house, to go and find me.
when i happened to stroll along the corridor to my house.
i was really nonchalant.
i sat at the staircase landing, listening to them reason out with me why i should call them if i was going to be late.
and how anxious they were.
half an hour later when i could finally retire into my bedroom, my mother appeared at the doorway and started.
and at that point of time, i was so tired that i said, "ibu, please give me a break. with all these things on my mind, i cannot think already."

and ibu laughed!

i watched syahir drying up my gadget baby.
with syairah's words playing on repeat.
"its like reviving your dead pet."
it was hopeless.







an excuse.
for me to ask one for my coming twenty first.
a vertu perhaps.

woah.
yeah. that is how busy i have been.



i wanted to blog that night.
you know, for the sake of seeing the last 07 post published.
but then.
i was burnt-out by the time i got home.
and i dont think it would matter since it was already past 1am.
the fireworks were phenomenal though.
i cant imagine how i had flopped into bed with my jeans still on, unbrushed teeth and unwashed face.
but yeah. i was that tired.
not that i have never done it before, but each time i do, i wake up the next morning feeling all guilty and bothered.
right now, the possibility of breaking out is threatening me.
fine. i'll worry about it later.






so its au revoir 07 and bonjour 08.
what i initially deemed to be freaking bitter turned out really sweet.
thank you so much for making all the impossible possible.
with all that overwhelming love and laughter.
you guys know who you are.
i love you.











as i told fir and wazi.
i really dont need it anymore.
but somethings are just holding me back despite the unpleasant affairs.
they know its them.
they brought me to a whole new level of understanding.
challenging the conventional stereotype.
its very scandalous, in that merely 40 metres square area.
skeletons in their cupboards.
those of the staff, people around and the mac riders.
and who can ever forget adorable jenny?
she's our shared baby.
thanks to the riders who feed her every so often that she's becoming really fat.

i was telling him that night.
he took it so seriously that he made a confession.
i pretended not to hear and made him repeat it.
he didnt.
but i heard him loud and clear.
every single word.
im just going to act all nonchalant.








its dee's first day of school.
ultimate cuteness in the oversized uniform.
i brought her to the hairdresser last friday and she was given the victoria beckham bob.
she looked so cute that irah couldnt stop gushing.
even hir stayed throughout the four sittings of her dance that she made us watch.

it was cool just chilling with them throughout the weekend.
despite my torn jeans and skin while on the treadmill. all thanks to syahir.
lounging by the poolside.
swimming without the tan.
oh yeah.
and the vastness of the night sky and golf course all to ourselves.
and thanks to abel and brandon.
i stayed up till near 6am for many consecutive days to watch prison break and heroes.






the parcels from down under were awesome.
she's really spoiling me crazy.
and she loves it that i love them.










oh yeah.
day out with the girls tomorrow.
multiple games on saturday morning.
followed by gwen's birthday bash in the evening.
thanks to the theme, i have yet to find my costume.










the girl got me reading about yajuj and majuj (gog and magog).

Gog and Magog, or Yajuj and Majuj among the Arabs, are mentioned in the Koran and by most Arabic geographers as more or less mythical peoples. The chief interest in them centers about two points: (1) the wall built by Dhu al-Ḳarnain (Alexander the Great) to shut them off from the rest of the world, and (2) their reappearance as a sign of the last day. Geographically they represent the extreme northeast, and are placed on the borders of the sea which encircles the earth. Descended from Japheth, son of Noah, they number twenty-four tribes. Six of these are known by name (one being that of the Turks); and the number of each tribe equals that of all the other people in the world. Some say that they belong to the Chazars, who are all Jews (Yaḳut, ii. 440).

They resemble animals in their habits; and Mas'udi classes them among the beasts. They used to ravage the country, devouring every green thing; and it was to prevent this that the people living near them begged Alexander to build the wall shutting them in. It is even said that they were cannibals (Baiḍawi).

The wall is generally supposed to have been at Derbent, although in later times it seems to have become confused with the Great Wall of China (Abu al-Fida). The geographers frequently quote an account of it given by Sallam, the interpreter. The calif Wathiḳ Billah had seen the wall destroyed in a dream, and he sent Sallam to investigate. The latter recounts marvelous things of the countries through which he passed on his way thither, and gives a minute description of the wall itself. It was built in a gorge 150 cubits wide, and reached to the top of the mountains. Constructed of iron bricks embedded in molten brass, it had a peculiar red-and-black striped appearance. In it was an immense gate provided with a giant bolt, lock, and key, the last of which was suspended by a chain. Yaḳut remarks on this story that God, who knoweth all things, also knows whether it be true or not, but of the existence of the wall there can be no doubt, since it is mentioned in the sacred book.

As one of the signs of the approaching day of judgment this wall will be broken down and Yajuj and Majuj will appear at Lake Tiberias, the water of which the vanguard of their hosts will entirely consume, so that the rear will pass over on dry ground. They will then proceed, eating every one they meet, even corpses, and every green thing, until they come to Jerusalem. Here, until God shall destroy them, they will annoy Jesus and his faithful companions. It is said that Mohammed gave Yajuj and Majuj an opportunity to embrace Islam on the occasion of his night journey to Jerusalem; but they refused to do so, and consequently are doomed to destruction.

source: http://www.jewishencyclopedia.com/view.jsp?artid=292&letter=G
think of the beings in the movies the descent and i am legend.
oh yeah.
and gollum from lord of the rings.
i think thats how they most probably look like.
scary.










something to get you going.
and believing in yourself again.

“What you need to know is this: before a dream is realized, the Soul of the World tests everything that was learnt along the way. It does this not because it is evil, but so that we can, in addition to realizing out dreams, master the lessons we’ve learnt as we’ve moved towards that dream. Thats the point at which most people give up. Its the point at which , as we say in the language of the desert, one ‘dies of thirst just when the palm trees have appeared on the horizon’. Every search begins with the beginner’s luck and every search ends with the victor’s being severely tested. “
- the Alchemist




















now.
what was it about clogged pores and breaking out?

for the tenth of the eleventh:
happy seventeenth to the dearest sweetheart.
i could see the glow on your face and the shine in your eyes.
yes, you are awfully blessed and spoilt.










i woke up to suria's call.
she seemed genuinely surprised that i was still in bed at 9.38am on a sunday morning.
come on girl. i can sleep in till 2pm.
the game was at bishan park and i was dreadfully late.

i like the waking-up-late system.
but the get-ready-in-seconds-then-throwing-your-stuff-in-your-duffel-bag-later-grabbing-ibu's-hand-to-salam-and-dashing-out-of-the-door sucks big time.
especially when my stomach is grumbling.

okay, fine.
its nothing new for me for the past seven years.

and you always blow your money when you are unpunctual.
because the next best thing to your father's car is the cab.
he dropped me off 1km from the actual destination.
l o s t .
the tentage was nowhere to be seen la.
thank goodness for the invention of the handphone, dayah's boyfriend, hafiz and his fantastic ability to convey directions to someone whose navigation sucks big time.
i was so selengeh la.

oh all right.
the 1km distance is an exaggeration.
but let's just say that i warmed up thoroughly for that unnecessary 400m.
flushed face, sweating and panting.

we were the JJC alumni.
made me feel so damn old.
yeah okay, we are.

five on five.
in a 59ft by 79ft playing area.
10 minutes straight.
and we had no subs.

it was ludicrous how small the playing area was for 10 players.
the try area already took up 1/6 of the entire playing space.
and it took merely 2 punch ups to push the defenders to the try line.
it was almost impossible to score by side-stepping and hoping to weave your way through the opposition.
so the tries we scored were mostly dummy-half breakthroughs, ball interceptions and that one superb side-stepping and breaking through.
amazingly great games.

the guys came down to support us as well.
although some of them never played rugby.
and..
armed with their notes in hand, squeezing in time to study whenever it wasnt our game.
they provided great support, being photographers of the day, getting us bottles of drinks and carrying our belongings.

great fun.
free flow of milo from the van.
sarpino pizza, ramly burger and more at the booths.
their goodie bags were even more delightful.
mini standard charted rugby balls, battery-operated fan (batteries included), bottle of water, chocolates, pen, ringed notebook, post-its, the singapore netball magazine, vouchers and standard charted balloon bangers.

and the guys' games are always worth watching.
the pace, intensity and determination.

yeah, he was there as well.
the guys fell silent as we walked past them and i raised my eyebrow to acknowledge him.
he came up to me and we chatted.
our smiles at each other were a wordless mutual understanding.
none will ever know.

and diana's boyfriend was such a dear to drive us back to three different destinations, splashed across singapore.
despite the traffic jam at the expressway, making sure the aircon was turned on at full blast, not minding the stench of sweat, having to listen to 4 girls talking girl stuff and trying to join in our conversations.
he's really cute, even suria agrees.
thanks alot aidil.










the brother pierced his head against the edge of a wall.
a long, deep gash ran at the back of his head.
he was bleeding profusely that he soaked 5 pieces of cloth with his blood.
nana was already feeling nauseous and my eyes were glistening wet as ibu was trying to stop his bleeding.
he was brought to hospital.


during dinner at makngah's on saturday, as i related what happened to busu and cik lim, nenek said, "syaz sampai nak nangis tengok muzakkir hari tu. sayang betol dier dengan adek dier eh."

hell yeah.









i stumbled on him bare-bodied.
clearly, i was the one flushing.
i mean, there was nothing to be embarrassed about for him.
with a torso so fine like that.
well-defined and toned built.
i had no idea.
SYAZ!!
okay. i'll stop.
he merely raised his eyebrow and gave me a cheeky smile.
that left me speechless.
he has been working out, and its not ns.
i just wonder how.




decided to hit the school gym one afternoon, when the gym regular entered.
he changed his mind when he saw me.
decided on a run outside instead.
ehh??










met that girl.
and a loud exclaimation from syazana.
out of all places, at admiralty market.
its been such a long time and she looked good.
stopped awhile and chatted.









she remembers that jew while i cant forget masjid bencoolen.
ultimate coolness is not what people will normally describe a mosque, but im not exaggerating.
part of the carpark, it is located underground.
and air-conditioned.
completely dungeon-like.
for the first time, i wished we had spent more than that 45 minutes at a mosque.










i have been wasting money on ridiculous stuff.
original vcds, dvds and pieces of paper.
$84.60 worth of damage.
and he still owes me $45.80.



not good.
especially when im supposed to be saving money.












for my crib.
a condominium penthouse, please.







yeah.
i am serious.
















its that number of the month again, love.

okay.
lets make it quick, get it over and done with.
before midnight strikes.
even cinderella dreaded that twelve.

happy nineteenth to my dearest darling.

i love you in a really really big pretend to like your taste in music, let you eat the last piece of my favourite secret recipe cheesecake, endure the child in you, tolerate your arrogance and vanity, permit you spritz on my ralph lauren - the unfortunate way that makes me hate you, love you.
thanks for everything you have been for me.
no one can ever take your place. really.
a blissful day for you, a miserable time for me to see a hundred spent.
just like that. kidding!!

i love you a million blue crispy m&ms.
with greater love, kakak.








so.
just that night i had a dream of you.
it was so dark, evil and cruel, it was real good.
nah, i didnt wake up all sweaty and gasping, feeling all relieved that it was only a dream..
cause for that moment.
if my fairy godmother came to grant me a wish, i wished it was real.
no. im not a sadist.
you just bloody deserved it, baby.









its been nine years and counting.
they still do these to me.
my heart still beats fast, my stomach still flutters.
and i get these warm tingling sensations all over.
show me the shape of your heart.








for the first time in my entire twenty years.
he asked me, "did you put on weight?"
its been years since we've met la, but still.
someone actually asked me that.
i never thought i was going to answer that question. ever.
and the answer is a yes.
i made him spill what gave it away.
okay.

he had both me and wazi calculating our BMI.

and tomorrow.
another hour of floorball against the guys.
whatever. i dont care.
the last time we played, i managed to score that flick for the girls.
i still feel it wasnt worth my torn pants and skin.
even though it was nice having them fusing over nothing. hah.
they should watch me play touch la.
seriously.










oliver james.
the lastest muse.
he is every reason for the word cute.
especially when he croons the romantic ballads in his deep, soft and smooth voice,
i become that idiot staring on screen, wishing that i was amanda bynes.
yeah, that will be my next wish if fairy godmother decides to be sympathetic and grant me another.










time check.
11.57 pm
just in time.

paris, 20 october - south africa defeated england 15-6 in the world cup final at Stade de France on saturday to add a second webb ellis cup to the one they won as hosts in 1995.








you are such a dear to try stay up and accompany me.
"i love you a million red m&m's."








*//my phone is ringing. its him. =)

okay.
south africa is leading england 15-6 at this point of time.

she said she noticed.
cause they are beginning to be real weighty (pun intended), and more..
formed.
especially my cheeks and arse.
yeah, my breasts too.
i guess junking on ben and jerry's, chocolate bars and chips was successful.
and slapping on 2 inches of nutella onto every piece of my bread.
oh. and also those seriously deep fried junk. (i can imagine ibu shaking her head now.)
its so horribly unhealthy, i know.
i have been guzzling down heaven and earth's green tea out of their 1.5 litre bottles.
seriously hoping that it can at least flush the toxins from my dangerously noxious body.
hmm. i still dont know if it does. does it??







i have been working out. indoors.
sit ups, crunches, guys' push ups and carrying nana's dumbbells.
the game is coming up and i am anticipating it.
maybe i should start running.







hmm.
talking about anticipation.
the girl is madly anticipating her 19.
and its driving us all crazy.
especially when she had a smashing one last year, partly thanks to me.
you're most welcome.
the other one is looming real near as well.
im in serious need of a financial advisor.








i stumbled upon it with mixed feelings.
but i wished i had the original one.
oh. and the one other as well.
i really want it, i wish i had it with me still.







*//okay. im really ecstatic. he just sent me the photograph. that original one.








during dinner that night, i told ibu.
we are going to have 4 children.
i need 3 boys and the youngest, a lovely girl.
one to protect the mother.
the other to protect the sister.
the last, but strongest one, to fight the father (if he decides to be a bastard).
and they all laughed.
and we are going to pamper the baby girl like crazy.



just nice.







beatboxers.
hip hop dancers. especially when they take it to the streets.
my current squeezes.







rugby world cup finals 2007.
the clock counts down.
england up against south africa.
time to raid the fridge and hit the tv.