Sunday, March 22, 2009

i just typed out an entire post and my laptop just hung on me. my stomach is growling and ozzy osbourne's mr crowley is still playing in my head. i can hardly open my eyes thanks to the i-only-slept-at-6.30am-last-night-and-woke-up-5-hours-later. i just realised that i typed this post in a paragraph. whatever. i shall stop ranting (this is the cue where you go, "thank goodness".) 10 peaceful, undisturbed, dreamless hours of sleep will do the trick.

Mr. Crowley, what went on in your head
(Oh) Mr. Crowley, did you talk to the dead
Your lifestyle to me seemed so tragic
With the thrill of it all
You fooled all those people with magic
(Yeah) You waited on Satan's call

Mr. Charming, did you think you were pure
Mr. Alarming, in nocturnal rapport
Uncovering things that were sacred, manifest on this earth
(Oh) Conceived in the eye of a secret
Yeah, they scattered the afterbirth.


goodnight.

Friday, March 20, 2009

last week, it was nenek's voice calling "nasrin!" outside the door.
just a few minutes ago, it was syahir's voice saying, "assalamualaikum!"



i must be hallucinating.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

updates.



mocca - live in singapore.

i bet if the boyfriend was there,
he would have just swooned over the lead singer.

ugh.




paintball - at bottle tree park.

"if you find yourself getting shot at, even after you are at the interval of regaining your life, dont be upset or get emotionally unstable. its either - an accidental shot, your enemies are overly too excited or you are a supervisor. so its time for you to do some self-reflecting."

i went to the field,
mentally prepared
for the much-talked-about-pain,
when a paintball hits you at top speed.

i charged to the middle,
fired a few ammo,
ran forward to grab the flag
(the objective of the game),
returned to the starting point ..

.. and none of those whizzing balls
of orange paint hit me.

i decided to do a little self-reflecting nonetheless,
and i conclude:
1) i must have ran faster than the bullet balls
2) no one considered me a threat
3) no one wanted to intentionally hurt me
4) im nice
5) my team members did an excellent job of protecting and covering up for me.

and none of them holds true,
except for no. 5, maybe.

heh.




aza got herself a really nasty black bruise
at the back of her knee,
while shannon bruised her shoulder.

i ended up with extremely muddy
jeans and shoes,
as though i had been out playing touch rugby.

not a scratch though.



buffet lunch - orchid country club
the food was not as great as expected
but it filled our growling stomachs.





AND



to the one who mia-ed
for nearly 2 weeks.
yes, i specially adopted him from the spca for you,
so that nyet will have a friend.


lunch at popeyes'
at the singapore flyer.
one word: yummy!!




i was stuffing myself
with so much food
that i fell ill almost immediately.

when maz dropped me off at woodlands,
i was dragging myself in a 'stoned' state.
upon reaching home,
i retched out what i thought was everything from my stomach.
but i threw up another three times,
emptying the entire contents of my insides.

hit the bed at 9pm.

Monday, March 9, 2009

her mind is tiffany-twisted,
she got the mercedes benz
she got a lot of pretty, pretty boys
she calls them friends
how they dance in the courtyard,
sweet summer sweat.
Some dance to remember,
some dance to forget.

Thursday, March 5, 2009

i wonder
how long will it take
if he came over my place to meet my parents
instead.

Sunday, February 22, 2009

it all started out
with the latest cleo issue.

the weeks before had been so stagnant-
it was almost boring and monotonous.





that early morning
i decided to make a detour to the newsstand,
to avoid someone i didnt feel like talking to
and as a filler for the long bus journey.

...

then everything began to fill up
real quick.





we were peeling cloth bits
off ibu's humongous banner last saturday,
when the telephone rang.

bapak's reaction shocked us.
the phonecall left him muted.
we headed to wak ros' place.

the atmosphere was subdued.



wak ros received a call from the police that morning, informing her that they found her younger brother's body at his home. they suspected that he had passed away a week ago. since he was a bachelor, he resided at the ang mo kio flat alone. the neighbours called the police because of the unbearable stench coming from his house. wak tam's body was found just behind the closed door, his body partially decomposed.

the police presumed he just got back as he had placed his pouch and wallet on the table neatly. his body was sent to the mortuary and family members could only claim it the next day.



we headed to sgh's mortuary on sunday morning.

the process of
claiming the body,
bringing it to the masjid to bathe the body and solat jenazah
and finally the burial -
was very fast.

and throughout,
the rest of us were not allowed to see his body.







later that afternon
after a hearty lunch,
we set out to get materials for the banner.

newspapaers laid out,
the banner spread out
plenty of plastic plates.


then we got real busy and messy ..




a total of 30 pots of rainbow colours including blacks, whites and browns.

the children played their part by pouring the colours out and getting all messy.

the initial pencil drafts.

it was tedious - filling up alternate colours first, before painting the in-betweens.

details, precission, exactness, accuracy, care, meticulousness.



our hard work was paid off
with an appetizing late dinner,
which left me 2 months pregnant.
we could hardly walk.







then.
the sweet boyfriend surprised me with this.



complete with 26 games downloaded
just because ..
"so that you wont be bored during your journey to school, if im not around with you."

woo.







thereafter.
the same adorable boy got me these.









i have read the first two installments,
thanks to indra.
but owning them is a different thing altogether.

whee!







the plan to play wii on friday evening
at the lounge backfired.
so we decided go stay out for dinner.

we were so cheapskate,
we decided to hit nenek's place
for free dinner.

it was finger-licking good, as usual.
:)



much later into the night
syazana lost her phone in the cab
after chilling with izhar at macs.

we waited for the cab driver to "turn back"
as he said he would
but the entire hour was wasted.
it was 1am when we reached home,
all jaded, disappointed and irritated.







i decided to get all hardworking
on staurday morning,
vacuuming and mopping the floors upstairs.

while syazana hit st james' with the rest,
the boyfriend picked me up
and drove me to nenek's place.







while the euphoria is still sinking in,
im wondering whether i have the time
to bask in the lovelies.

i think,
i'll take one step at a time -

completing the entire cleo issue only today,
(its been more than a week)
is a good start.



goodnight, love.

Thursday, January 29, 2009

4 -5 am sounds of furniture moving upstairs 5.30 am charged the phone 6.15 am eyes fluttering hit the snooze 6.30 am pirates of carribean wailing 6.37 am arguing for the loo nana grumbling 6.40 am "5 minutes!" five fingers forward shut the door 6.45 am "5 minutes, i told you!" 6.50 am rushed subuh 7.15 am locked the gates stared at the cheena neighbour 8 am school 8.30 am netball training commences 8.45 am warm up 800m stretching suicide position water break 9 am monkey tag water break 9.10 am 10 sets shoulder, overhead, bounce passes 9.15 am first quarter break 9.30 am second quarter 9.45 am water break cool down admin matters 10 am dismissed 10.30 am breakfast newspaper edumail pac@gov 12 pm lunch 1.30 pm interactive lessons 2.30 pm break slack lunch prepare package 3 pm zohor 3.30 pm scheming with I N 4.30 pm netball game first quarter 4.45 pm quarter break changeover second quarter 5 pm ref and whistle 5.15 pm wash up wudhuk asar 5.30 pm poster-making team building 6.50 pm in the honda jazz 7.50 pm wash up 8.05 pm maghrib scheme with N 8.40 pm isyak 9 pm rubik cubing 9.30 pm scheming with I N 10.30 pm phonecall to rage 10.45 pm phonecall to nenek 11 pm edumail hotmail facebook daily reads 12 am yet to clear the dishes yet to have dinner.



disoriented, unsettled, bewildered, perplexed.
tired, weary, exhausted, worn-out, drained, bushed, sleepy, drowsy, fatigued, beat, wiped out, shattered, whacked, jaded.

and we're not talking about tomorrow
or the day after,
yet.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

salman was sitting
right next to me.
in front of everyone else
he turned to me and asked,
"boleh jadi girlfriend saya?"



he is only nine.





i finished reading
the second installment of
'ketika cinta bertasbih'
by habiburrahman el shirazy.

an entire 664 paged book.







just that monday night
i was relating this story to muzakkir
right after teaching him.

it is very difficult making him
sit still without any rude interruptions
but this time,
he was completely mesmerised by the story.

while i share this story with you,
i hope it would touch your heart
as it did to mine.



The Nightingale and the Rose
by Oscar Wilde




"She said that she would dance with me if I brought her red roses," cried the young Student; "but in all my garden there is no red rose."

From her nest in the holm-oak tree the Nightingale heard him, and she looked out through the leaves, and wondered.

"No red rose in all my garden!" he cried, and his beautiful eyes filled with tears. "Ah, on what little things does happiness depend! I have read all that the wise men have written, and all the secrets of philosophy are mine, yet for want of a red rose is my life made wretched."

"Here at last is a true lover," said the Nightingale. "Night after night have I sung of him, though I knew him not: night after night have I told his story to the stars, and now I see him. His hair is dark as the hyacinth-blossom, and his lips are red as the rose of his desire; but passion has made his face like pale ivory, and sorrow has set her seal upon his brow."

"The Prince gives a ball to-morrow night," murmured the young Student, "and my love will be of the company. If I bring her a red rose she will dance with me till dawn. If I bring her a red rose, I shall hold her in my arms, and she will lean her head upon my shoulder, and her hand will be clasped in mine. But there is no red rose in my garden, so I shall sit lonely, and she will pass me by. She will have no heed of me, and my heart will break."

"Here indeed is the true lover," said the Nightingale. "What I sing of, he suffers - what is joy to me, to him is pain. Surely Love is a wonderful thing. It is more precious than emeralds, and dearer than fine opals. Pearls and pomegranates cannot buy it, nor is it set forth in the marketplace. It may not be purchased of the merchants, nor can it be weighed out in the balance for gold."

"The musicians will sit in their gallery," said the young Student, "and play upon their stringed instruments, and my love will dance to the sound of the harp and the violin. She will dance so lightly that her feet will not touch the floor, and the courtiers in their gay dresses will throng round her. But with me she will not dance, for I have no red rose to give her"; and he flung himself down on the grass, and buried his face in his hands, and wept.

"Why is he weeping?" asked a little Green Lizard, as he ran past him with his tail in the air.

"Why, indeed?" said a Butterfly, who was fluttering about after a sunbeam.

"Why, indeed?" whispered a Daisy to his neighbour, in a soft, low voice.

"He is weeping for a red rose," said the Nightingale.

"For a red rose?" they cried; "how very ridiculous!" and the little Lizard, who was something of a cynic, laughed outright.

But the Nightingale understood the secret of the Student's sorrow, and she sat silent in the oak-tree, and thought about the mystery of Love.

Suddenly she spread her brown wings for flight, and soared into the air. She passed through the grove like a shadow, and like a shadow she sailed across the garden.

In the centre of the grass-plot was standing a beautiful Rose-tree, and when she saw it she flew over to it, and lit upon a spray.

"Give me a red rose," she cried, "and I will sing you my sweetest song."

But the Tree shook its head.

"My roses are white," it answered; "as white as the foam of the sea, and whiter than the snow upon the mountain. But go to my brother who grows round the old sun-dial, and perhaps he will give you what you want."

So the Nightingale flew over to the Rose-tree that was growing round the old sun-dial.

"Give me a red rose," she cried, "and I will sing you my sweetest song."

But the Tree shook its head.

"My roses are yellow," it answered; "as yellow as the hair of the mermaiden who sits upon an amber throne, and yellower than the daffodil that blooms in the meadow before the mower comes with his scythe. But go to my brother who grows beneath the Student's window, and perhaps he will give you what you want."

So the Nightingale flew over to the Rose-tree that was growing beneath the Student's window.

"Give me a red rose," she cried, "and I will sing you my sweetest song."

But the Tree shook its head.

"My roses are red," it answered, "as red as the feet of the dove, and redder than the great fans of coral that wave and wave in the ocean-cavern. But the winter has chilled my veins, and the frost has nipped my buds, and the storm has broken my branches, and I shall have no roses at all this year."

"One red rose is all I want," cried the Nightingale, "only one red rose! Is there no way by which I can get it?"

"There is away," answered the Tree; "but it is so terrible that I dare not tell it to you."

"Tell it to me," said the Nightingale, "I am not afraid."

"If you want a red rose," said the Tree, "you must build it out of music by moonlight, and stain it with your own heart's-blood. You must sing to me with your breast against a thorn. All night long you must sing to me, and the thorn must pierce your heart, and your life-blood must flow into my veins, and become mine."

"Death is a great price to pay for a red rose," cried the Nightingale, "and Life is very dear to all. It is pleasant to sit in the green wood, and to watch the Sun in his chariot of gold, and the Moon in her chariot of pearl. Sweet is the scent of the hawthorn, and sweet are the bluebells that hide in the valley, and the heather that blows on the hill. Yet Love is better than Life, and what is the heart of a bird compared to the heart of a man?"

So she spread her brown wings for flight, and soared into the air. She swept over the garden like a shadow, and like a shadow she sailed through the grove.

The young Student was still lying on the grass, where she had left him, and the tears were not yet dry in his beautiful eyes.

"Be happy," cried the Nightingale, "be happy; you shall have your red rose. I will build it out of music by moonlight, and stain it with my own heart's-blood. All that I ask of you in return is that you will be a true lover, for Love is wiser than Philosophy, though she is wise, and mightier than Power, though he is mighty. Flame- coloured are his wings, and coloured like flame is his body. His lips are sweet as honey, and his breath is like frankincense."

The Student looked up from the grass, and listened, but he could not understand what the Nightingale was saying to him, for he only knew the things that are written down in books.

But the Oak-tree understood, and felt sad, for he was very fond of the little Nightingale who had built her nest in his branches.

"Sing me one last song," he whispered; "I shall feel very lonely when you are gone."

So the Nightingale sang to the Oak-tree, and her voice was like water bubbling from a silver jar.

When she had finished her song the Student got up, and pulled a note-book and a lead-pencil out of his pocket.

"She has form," he said to himself, as he walked away through the grove - "that cannot be denied to her; but has she got feeling? I am afraid not. In fact, she is like most artists; she is all style, without any sincerity. She would not sacrifice herself for others. She thinks merely of music, and everybody knows that the arts are selfish. Still, it must be admitted that she has some beautiful notes in her voice. What a pity it is that they do not mean anything, or do any practical good." And he went into his room, and lay down on his little pallet-bed, and began to think of his love; and, after a time, he fell asleep.

And when the Moon shone in the heavens the Nightingale flew to the Rose-tree, and set her breast against the thorn. All night long she sang with her breast against the thorn, and the cold crystal Moon leaned down and listened. All night long she sang, and the thorn went deeper and deeper into her breast, and her life-blood ebbed away from her.

She sang first of the birth of love in the heart of a boy and a girl. And on the top-most spray of the Rose-tree there blossomed a marvellous rose, petal following petal, as song followed song. Pale was it, at first, as the mist that hangs over the river - pale as the feet of the morning, and silver as the wings of the dawn. As the shadow of a rose in a mirror of silver, as the shadow of a rose in a water-pool, so was the rose that blossomed on the topmost spray of the Tree.

But the Tree cried to the Nightingale to press closer against the thorn. "Press closer, little Nightingale," cried the Tree, "or the Day will come before the rose is finished."

So the Nightingale pressed closer against the thorn, and louder and louder grew her song, for she sang of the birth of passion in the soul of a man and a maid.

And a delicate flush of pink came into the leaves of the rose, like the flush in the face of the bridegroom when he kisses the lips of the bride. But the thorn had not yet reached her heart, so the rose's heart remained white, for only a Nightingale's heart's-blood can crimson the heart of a rose.

And the Tree cried to the Nightingale to press closer against the thorn. "Press closer, little Nightingale," cried the Tree, "or the Day will come before the rose is finished."

So the Nightingale pressed closer against the thorn, and the thorn touched her heart, and a fierce pang of pain shot through her. Bitter, bitter was the pain, and wilder and wilder grew her song, for she sang of the Love that is perfected by Death, of the Love that dies not in the tomb.



And the marvellous rose became crimson, like the rose of the eastern sky. Crimson was the girdle of petals, and crimson as a ruby was the heart.

But the Nightingale's voice grew fainter, and her little wings began to beat, and a film came over her eyes. Fainter and fainter grew her song, and she felt something choking her in her throat.

Then she gave one last burst of music. The white Moon heard it, and she forgot the dawn, and lingered on in the sky. The red rose heard it, and it trembled all over with ecstasy, and opened its petals to the cold morning air. Echo bore it to her purple cavern in the hills, and woke the sleeping shepherds from their dreams. It floated through the reeds of the river, and they carried its message to the sea.


"Look, look!" cried the Tree, "the rose is finished now"; but the Nightingale made no answer, for she was lying dead in the long grass, with the thorn in her heart.

And at noon the Student opened his window and looked out.

"Why, what a wonderful piece of luck!" he cried; "here is a red rose! I have never seen any rose like it in all my life. It is so beautiful that I am sure it has a long Latin name"; and he leaned down and plucked it.

Then he put on his hat, and ran up to the Professor's house with the rose in his hand.

The daughter of the Professor was sitting in the doorway winding blue silk on a reel, and her little dog was lying at her feet.

"You said that you would dance with me if I brought you a red rose," cried the Student. "Here is the reddest rose in all the world. You will wear it to-night next your heart, and as we dance together it will tell you how I love you."

But the girl frowned.

"I am afraid it will not go with my dress," she answered; "and, besides, the Chamberlain's nephew has sent me some real jewels, and everybody knows that jewels cost far more than flowers."

"Well, upon my word, you are very ungrateful," said the Student angrily; and he threw the rose into the street, where it fell into the gutter, and a cart-wheel went over it.

"Ungrateful!" said the girl. "I tell you what, you are very rude; and, after all, who are you? Only a Student. Why, I don't believe you have even got silver buckles to your shoes as the Chamberlain's nephew has"; and she got up from her chair and went into the house.

"What I a silly thing Love is," said the Student as he walked away. "It is not half as useful as Logic, for it does not prove anything, and it is always telling one of things that are not going to happen, and making one believe things that are not true. In fact, it is quite unpractical, and, as in this age to be practical is everything, I shall go back to Philosophy and study Metaphysics."

So he returned to his room and pulled out a great dusty book, and began to read.

Friday, January 16, 2009

after one and a half months ..


i saw
two black dri-fit tees
with two drawstring bags
in blue and yellow,
on my table.

thanks so much to lily tan.
:)





throughout my 21 years
the only team ball games
i have played
included:

captain's ball
softball
basketball
hockey
volleyball
touch rugby
floorball,

and even
soccer


..


of all,
not even a single game of

NETBALL.



and now

i have exactly five days
to master
the 'great girlie ball game',
as deemed by the set of notes
given by netball coach,
shen leng.


yes, notes.

complete with
origins of netball,
the basics,
detailed rules
and loads of
suggested drills and exercises.





when i told maz that
i never played a netball game,
she went, "you perempuan ke tak ni?"

and i guess b-l-u-r
was written all over my face
as shen leng was briefing me.

while she was drawing the positions
she stopped, turned to me and asked,
(in a disbelieving and an exasperated tone)
"of all the games you play, why not netball??!"


shrugs.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

the agonizing ordeal at nuh
lasted for
20 whole minutes.

and i realised only after,
that i had been holding my breath
throughout the entire excruciating procedure.



dr. ong chose his words carefully -
saying that it would be "uncomfortable",
since it was my eardrum he was dealing with.
and by that,
i was sure he meant PAIN.



"is it painful? i am so sorry dear."
"are you okay?"
"its going to be out soon .."

the last one got me breathing and excited
but then came the,
"oh no, its not."

and instructing the nurse
to get him other instruments.




i was given a souvenir,
carefully wrapped in a
square-cut 10cm soft white gauze.

in it was that
shiny red spherical stone.