another sleepless night.

i got into bed after isyak
at 9.30pm.
in my dream i was running,
running away.



i know i have not been myself
this entire week.
some things happened
which i wish didnt.



the boyfriend has really been
very encouraging and supportive
and thanks to the sunshine
and the babe, nasuha, as well.





i really really hope
everything will turn out better.

please ..

120708
after nearly a decade
i had the opportunity to watch the NE show 2008
with the primary five students,
held at the marina bay multi-purpose facility.

all geared up in reds and whites.

sharing a photographic moment, with his friend, through my lenses.

esther - all ecstatic to see herself on the big screen.

taking shade from the sweltering afternoon sun using the given.

the colourful ndp 2008 funpacks.
included axe brand oil, kids company, booklet of vouchers,
crackers, balloon inflates, lighted cap, canvas bag
and some other stuff.

the parachutists were mere specks of red in the blue sky.

the men under the red parachutes.

the marina bay wave.

the buddy, the aunty.

flag bearers.

the black knights.

the city outline.

magnificent finale.

i especially loved the black knights' incredible feat
the pilot actually communicated with us from the cockpit
.. and of course
the breathtaking fireworks.

the first display of fireworks
was wasted through my camera lenses.
when i finally put my camera away,
sat back and enjoyed the sight like thousands did,
it was simply stunning.
woo!





its been an unpleasant week
and its not even halfway through.
thanks to the boyfriend
who has been there regardless
and the littlest one
who is my sunshine, my only sunshine.







the epitome of cheapness
so freaking pathetic,
you are.

twelfth.
i love the 12th of every month because
its our anniversary,
the account gets cashed in and
i don JJC touch rugby jersey number 12.
how much lovelier can a number get?

and for this month
he had to put aside his jealousy and ego
just to get me that gift.
you know i love it.

he was really being sweet yesterday
by getting me prata cheese hotdog (yummy!)
before i went to school
and fetching me even though we had to go public
due to the rain.

and i really like it alot
when we sit down and talk
just about anything and everything
at a quiet place.



him aside.





fried chicken, daging korma and nasi minyak
for dinner - whipped up by bapak.
it was the first time i found my father adorable
when he excitedly told us
the blunders he made while cooking.
it was amazing for the first attempt.



the adorable father aside.





the father gave me his many reasons
for not allowing me out on the 19th.
i tried to act all nonchalant
but i was disappointed and
relieved at the same time.
those reasons could be merely translated with a NO.
he could have saved his breath
and i would still understand.

i would love to be there with him
and celebrate his 23rd together,
just the two of us.
but to meet his parents, as well as his entire extended family -
i dont think im ready for it.

that would give even the coolest of girls
in the hottest of rooms ..
.. cold feet.

i'll find a way
to make it up to him.



that aside.





right now
my pathetic standby VGA camera phone
has a long ugly scratch
across the screen.
and its not my fault,
seriously.

i dont even need to think of excuses
to say that i need a new phone,
LIKE NOW. (say it noah's style)



desperation aside.





i was cracking my head
thinking of the boyfriend's birthday present
when i decided that i shouldnt strain the brain anymore.
so i shamelessly but reasonably came up with this -

its not until three weeks time
but i know
it will so benefit my potential present givers.



the wishlist.



the sony cybershot T300.

thanks to 5x optical zoom and ample 10 mega pixel resolution, users can shoot subjects with clear, stunning results. face detection technology, including the popular smile shutter feature, has been further enhanced, contributing to beautiful photos.


coach's legacy leather framed slim envelope.

♥ twelve credit card pockets
♥ two multi-function pockets
♥ double bill compartment
♥ outside coin pocket with framed clasp closure
♥ turnlock closure
♥ vintage leather with legacy stripe lining

i especially love it in walnut.


the LG KF750 secret.

the LG KF750 Secret is hard to resist. the handset seems to have it all - turn-head exterior, top-notch skills and a few exotic extras to spice things up. LG secret packs a 5 megapixel camera, slow motion and fast video recording, carbon fiber battery cover and tempered glass over the display. the other highlights are the neon touch navigation and touch media navigation.


the baby-g G-Ms.

MSG300C-7B1
sharp & stylish. the new G-Ms collection of watches is the prefect balance of metal and resin composite design for an elegant yet sporty look. six studs embedded in the bezel and highly polished mirror-like surfaces stand out in sharp contrast in this totally modern design.


ralph by ralph lauren.

RALPH captures the energy, spirit and personality of today's young woman with a colorful, floral fragrance: sparkling green apple leaves, zesty orange mandarin, charismatic pink magnolia, seductive purple freesia and soft blue musk.


incanto shine by salvatore ferragamo.

concept
sheer happiness.. like finding paradise.
incanto shine seduces the senses and sends you off to a new destination.
incanto shine.. the radiant delight.



the wishlist aside.





i was reading the papers
while having my lunch in the staff lounge
when i came across this heartwarming article.

the straits times - friday, 11 july 2008.
H16 sports section
sportsmanship: jesse owens and lutz long
by rohit brijnath.
the photograph included with the article is timeless.

an extraction from the article.

... jesse owens, the jumper who was struggling, was an athletic genius. he was also black. it should not have mattered but of course it did. it mattered in america, where he often ate breakfast in the car because he was not allowed into many restaurants.

and it mattered in germany in 1936, when adolf hitler was propagating his despicable theories of the superiority of the aryan race, and when in some newspapers, pictures of an ape appeared alongside owens ...


... lutz long, a gifted german long jumper, was blond, blue-eyed and the archetypal aryan. owens was his opponent and the better jumper ...


... then the two men duelled in the final. owens led. long equalled him. hitler applauded. but owens was too good eventually, and when he broke the olympics record with his last leap, long was the first to embrace him.

owens understood immediately the enormity of the german's gesture, a moment of beauty in a time of ugliness. "it took a lot of courage for him to befriend me in front of hitler," the american said later.

"you can melt down all the medals and cups i have and they wouldnt be a plating on the 24-carat friendship i felt for lutz long at that moment. hitler must have gone crazy watching us embrace."

long died in the war, but the story had one remarkable postscript recounted in donald mcrae's brilliant book, in black and white.

in 1951, owens returned to berlin and to the olympic stadium, and in the dressing room later, a young boy asked him to autograph a scrapbook.

as owens scrawled his name, he noticed a familiar picture. he took the scrapbook and said: "that's lutz long."

and the boy, karl, looked at him and said: "my father, sir."

eric dill.
he is so ..

.. very

.. absolutely

.. totally

.. completely

.. utterly

.. extremely

.. definitely

.. certainly

.. undeniably

.. unquestionably

.. (im running low on vocabulary)

.. freaking hot.
woo.


him aside for a minute.


iz came over to my place in the afternoon
to see me incessantly oogling and gushing
at yours truly, eric dill.

oops!
did i just mention him again?
i really cant help it.

"in places no one would find
all your feelings so deep inside (deep inside)
it was then that i realised
that forever was in your eyes
the moment i saw you cry."



the two hours of floorball
in the freaking early hours
made me so jaded
and i feel my butt aching.

i force myself to believe
it is getting firmer.
i just can feel it.

i cant believe it

i still cant fathom the fact

i am trying to make it sink

that

i lost it.

we received a call yesterday afternoon.

and nasrin picked it up.

"bapak!! mai-ling tuer!"

that got all of us wondering who that was.

and then

it turned out to be someone from..

smailing tours.

and how could i forget that night

when nasrin ran to me, singing

"kakak, i like you just the way you are."

(to timbaland's the way i are)



so adorable.





in the afternoon.
noraza and jumaat's wedding reception

the day was freaking hot la
the blue kebaya i was in made it worse.
iz had to wait an hour for me (sorry darling!)
and he was in a navy long sleeved top
woo.

the first ever wedding reception with my boyfriend.
and i had to be so dumb

to bring the camera
without taking a single picture.





you know.
its been 2 nights
that i dreamt of you
just like before.

"why do you like maths?"

"i like maths because for every problem, there is a solution."

- han tae woong,

the snow queen

i finally completed the 16-episode drama,
the snow queen
this morning at 1.33am.





im staying at home
for last, this and next entire saturday
attempting to be a good girl
and a homebody.
cause i know for the following 2 to 3 whole saturdays,
i will be engaged. (literally not)

12th - pay day (woo!) and to marina bay theatre
19th - the love's 23rd cum chalet

whee!





all these while
i have been relying on that black-rubber-thing-in-place-of-letter-s
on the laptop keyboard
thanks to nasrin,
for detaching the s key.

and now
that black-rubber-thing-in-place-of-letter-s
came off,
leaving a flat-metallic-round-thing-in-place-of-that-black-rubber-thing-in-place-of-letter-s.

if
you dont get what im saying,
detach the s key of your laptop keyboard.

go ahead try and see
they dont call it trial and error for nothing.






i read nana's post (friday, 27th june 2008)
and decided that my sister had nothing better to do
than to apprehend that there is a dark side to all nursery rhymes.

"A nursery rhyme is a traditional song or poem taught to young children, originally in the nursery. Learning such verse assists in the development of vocabulary, and several examples deal with rudimentary counting skills. It also encourages children to enjoy music. In addition, specific actions, motions, or dances are often associated with particular songs."

-taken from http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nursery_rhymes



citing one of her great examples for a dark nursery rhyme is
sing a song of six pence.
it is indeed an amusing yet sinister nursery rhyme as,
it is a song that has obscure origins from the early 1700s,
made even more so by the hoax that it was used by blackbeard
as a coded message used to recruit crew members for pirate vessels.
(think - pirates of caribbean: dead man's chest)

check out http://www.snopes.com/lost/sixpence.asp
for a thorough dissection of 'sing a song of six pence'.
its a really interesting read.



in humpty dumpty
it teaches children that
1) any form of walls are not for sitting on
2) you should watch your diet and exercise regularly so you wouldnt end up as a blob of fat
3) you should find a way to pick yourself up
so that you dont end up being a nuisance to others around you.

in jack and jill
the lessons taught are
1) a guy and girl shouldnt go anywhere together alone
2) for arduous tasks, please leave it to the boys
3) wells should be built on flat ground to minimise the occurence of accidents
4) girls, please!
when you see a guy "fell down and broke his crown",
you're supposed to get help, instead of "tumbling after".
that is simple common sense!

gosh.



in fact,
syazana's "all nursery rhymes" is a bias opinion.
aside from the given examples of dark nursery rhymes like
humpty dumpty
jack and jill
and sing a song of six pence,

there is always the option
of other all-time favourite nursery rhymes such as:
twinkle twinkle little star
old mcdonalds had a farm
and baa baa black sheep,
which are not dark..

to choose from.

iz

thank you for forgiving,

trusting and believing in me again.

i am so sorry once more

for the severe hurt i caused.

and i promise

it would never happen again.

cause right now i know

there is no one i want and i need,

and there is no other one

like you.

i love you.

the prologue.

i have always believed in monogamy.
however, an experience questioned my faith in it.
i began to see things otherwise.
why should i practice fidelity, if there is a probability that the other party is unfaithful?
why should i constrain myself to one, if i had the finest selection?
why should i be devoted, if i am nowhere near exchanging marriage vows?
and who said that people remain loyal to their spouses once they are wedded?
as put by one of my guy friend, "girlfriend boleh break up, tunang boleh putus, kahwin boleh cerai, per."
therefore, i saw absolutely no harm with having multiple flings.
and having the mindset that i was not tied down to any of them.
with these justifications, i allowed myself to lead the vicious phase.



the case study.

i was literally seeing three different guys, all of whom i knew way before. they were unaware of each other's presence. i told myself, "if i were to do this, i should do it flawlessly." so, i guess i made them feel that they were the only ones that matter in my life. i made an effort to know (and remember precisely) all of them inside out - from their daily schedules, favourites and family. rage told me that i was being a bitch. nas, syazana and syairah would just shake their heads. and each time my phone rang, the little ones would try to guess who that would be.

i would meet one over lunch while the other two were having school. i would meet the other when he came down to my school to send me lunch. (i was still stuffed from the lunch earlier.) i would meet the other one after school as he offered to send me home. there were many other instances which i, under extreme complications, had to refuse either of them. however, i was careful with my excuses and sugar-coated my words. later, i made sure that i paid more attention with the disregarded ones.

at times, i would be with one, while another called. i had two choices of either picking up the call and evidently lie to him, as well as respond to the questioning look on the other's face. or ignore the call, to which i would get back to him with an impeccable untruth. i often chose the latter cause it is always easier to lie over the phone than in person. sometimes, it was a case of multiple calls coming through my line. i had to reject them and prepare a line of lies thereafter.

i cannot repudiate that i relish the attention i received. and i loved all the gifts i was showered with. there was never a lonely moment. occasionally i will be overwhelmed with guilt but i guess i was too self-centred. furthermore, i got myself deep into this fraud which i started, and there was no turning back without profound consequences.

i guess, deep down, part of me was afraid of losing either of them. all three of them were very special in their own way, who shared a common purpose of winning me over with their own forte. i thought, if one were to turn out disastrous, i always had another. why choose when i could have all of them?



the consequences.

gradually, the outcomes overwhelmed me.
one of the immediate effects was
the horrifying monthly home phone line and handphone bill,
which especially stunned my mother.
things began to get complicated
when the guys began to fall for me and decided to confess their feelings.
predominantly, i was tired of my persistent lying and deceiving these wonderful guys,
who became prey to the treacherous bitch - me.



the wakeup call.

it then dawned upon me that these guys were real people - with feelings.
i had hurt them intentionally, even though they were unaware of it.
and i hated myself for it.
i told the other two the last lies they would be hearing from me,
excuses for being unable to persist a more-than-friends relationship.

i was falling in love with iz and decided to tell him the truth.
that night -
his tough-looking exterior defence crumbled as he broke down and cried.
and i really loathed myself for being the reason for those tears rolling down his cheeks.
and at that moment
i swore to myself that i will never ever deliberately hurt him again.



the epilogue.

we sat on the sands of the sembawang beach,
talking just about anything.
his sincerity won me over.
i learnt to love everything about him.
im yours.

when im with him, i see the future.
that monday night, while the family was having dinner at simpang bedok,
i introduced him to my parents.




while im starting to believe
and practise monogamy once again,
the occasional fling
or that jesse maccartney fantasy
wouldnt exactly hurt.


heh.
im just kidding.