the prologue.
i have always believed in monogamy.
however, an experience questioned my faith in it.
i began to see things otherwise.
why should i practice fidelity, if there is a probability that the other party is unfaithful?
why should i constrain myself to one, if i had the finest selection?
why should i be devoted, if i am nowhere near exchanging marriage vows?
and who said that people remain loyal to their spouses once they are wedded?
as put by one of my guy friend, "girlfriend boleh break up, tunang boleh putus, kahwin boleh cerai, per."
therefore, i saw absolutely no harm with having multiple flings.
and having the mindset that i was not tied down to any of them.
with these justifications, i allowed myself to lead the vicious phase.
the case study.
i was literally seeing three different guys, all of whom i knew way before. they were unaware of each other's presence. i told myself, "if i were to do this, i should do it flawlessly." so, i guess i made them feel that they were the only ones that matter in my life. i made an effort to know (and remember precisely) all of them inside out - from their daily schedules, favourites and family. rage told me that i was being a bitch. nas, syazana and syairah would just shake their heads. and each time my phone rang, the little ones would try to guess who that would be.
i would meet one over lunch while the other two were having school. i would meet the other when he came down to my school to send me lunch. (i was still stuffed from the lunch earlier.) i would meet the other one after school as he offered to send me home. there were many other instances which i, under extreme complications, had to refuse either of them. however, i was careful with my excuses and sugar-coated my words. later, i made sure that i paid more attention with the disregarded ones.
at times, i would be with one, while another called. i had two choices of either picking up the call and evidently lie to him, as well as respond to the questioning look on the other's face. or ignore the call, to which i would get back to him with an impeccable untruth. i often chose the latter cause it is always easier to lie over the phone than in person. sometimes, it was a case of multiple calls coming through my line. i had to reject them and prepare a line of lies thereafter.
i cannot repudiate that i relish the attention i received. and i loved all the gifts i was showered with. there was never a lonely moment. occasionally i will be overwhelmed with guilt but i guess i was too self-centred. furthermore, i got myself deep into this fraud which i started, and there was no turning back without profound consequences.
i guess, deep down, part of me was afraid of losing either of them. all three of them were very special in their own way, who shared a common purpose of winning me over with their own forte. i thought, if one were to turn out disastrous, i always had another. why choose when i could have all of them?
the consequences.
gradually, the outcomes overwhelmed me.
one of the immediate effects was
the horrifying monthly home phone line and handphone bill,
which especially stunned my mother.
things began to get complicated
when the guys began to fall for me and decided to confess their feelings.
predominantly, i was tired of my persistent lying and deceiving these wonderful guys,
who became prey to the treacherous bitch - me.
the wakeup call.
it then dawned upon me that these guys were real people - with feelings.
i had hurt them intentionally, even though they were unaware of it.
and i hated myself for it.
i told the other two the last lies they would be hearing from me,
excuses for being unable to persist a more-than-friends relationship.
i was falling in love with iz and decided to tell him the truth.
that night -
his tough-looking exterior defence crumbled as he broke down and cried.
and i really loathed myself for being the reason for those tears rolling down his cheeks.
and at that moment
i swore to myself that i will never ever deliberately hurt him again.
the epilogue.
we sat on the sands of the sembawang beach,
talking just about anything.
his sincerity won me over.
i learnt to love everything about him.
im yours.
when im with him, i see the future.
that monday night, while the family was having dinner at simpang bedok,
i introduced him to my parents.
while im starting to believe
and practise monogamy once again,
the occasional fling
or that jesse maccartney fantasy
wouldnt exactly hurt.
heh.
im just kidding.
Happiness
There's just no accounting for happiness,
or the way it turns up like a prodigal
who comes back to the dust at your feet
having squandered a fortune far away.
And how can you not forgive?
You make a feast in honor of what
was lost, and take from its place the finest
garment, which you saved for an occassion
you could not imagine, and you weep night and day
to know that you were not abandoned,
that the happiness saved its most extreme form
for you alone.
No, happiness is the uncle you never
knew about, who flies a single-engine plane
onto the grassy landing strip, hitchhikes
into town, and inquires at every door
until he finds you asleep midafternoon
as you so often are during the unmerciful
hours of your despair.
It comes to the monk in his cell.
It comes to the woman sweeping the street
with a birch broom, to the child
whoose mother has passed out from drink.
It comes to the lover, to the dog chewing
a sock, to the pusher, to the basket maker,
and to the clerk stacking cans of carrots
in the night.
It even comes to the boulder
in the perpetual shade of pine barrens,
to rain falling on the open sea,
to the wineglass, weary of holding wine.
-Jane Kenyon
1947 - 1995
taken from jennifer weiner's 'the guy not taken'.
damn it man.
im sick of people
interfering with my life.
i am whoever you think i am.
if you dont like me, there is nothing i can do.
i dont live to please you.
from now on
anyone who intrudes my space
owes me a ljs-combo-one-change-the-drink-to-ice-milo-and-can-i-add-the-skin-on-potato-with-extra-cheese-and-a-pineapple-cheese-pie dinner.
nah
im just kidding.
im just out to get a free dinner.
really classic.
very beautiful.
listen to your heart - roxette
i know there's something in
the wake of your smile.
i get a notion from the look
in your eyes, yea.
you've built a love but
that love falls apart.
your little piece of heaven
turns too dark.
listen to your heart
when he's calling for you.
listen to your heart
there's nothing else you can do.
i don't know where you're going
and i don't know why,
but listen to your heart
before you tell him goodbye.
sometimes you wonder if this
fight is worthwhile.
the precious moments are all
lost in the tide, yea.
they're swept away and
nothing is what is seems,
the feeling of belonging to your dreams.
listen to your heart
when he's calling for you.
listen to your heart
there's nothing else you can do.
i don't know where you're going
and i don't know why,
but listen to your heart
before you tell him goodbye.
and there are voices
that want to be heard.
so much to mention
but you can't find the words.
the scent of magic,
the beauty that's been
when love was wilder than the wind.
listen to your heart
take a listen
when he's calling for you.
listen to your heart
take a listen
there's nothing else you can do.
i don't know where you're going
and i don't know why,
but listen to your heart
before..
listen to your heart
take a listen
when he's calling for you.
listen to your heart
take a listen
there's nothing else you can do.
i don't know where you're going
and i don't know why,
but listen to your heart
before..
you tell him goodbye.
and i love it.
happy twenty-first,
my dear fir
you deserve all the joy, happiness and love
the world should provide.
for being right there when i was at my lowest
for making me believe again that i was beautiful inside out
for listening without ever complaining
for making the hours at guardian less weary
for my very first bike ride on your kawasaki baby
for diminishing completely my stereotype on the typical mat reps
for believing in the strength i never thought i had
for sharing and opening up to me.
and so much more..
thanks alot.
i could have never done it
without you.
for many more years to come
i wish you the very best
cause you really deserve it.
for the really wonderful person you are.
and the best lefty i have ever known.
love, me.
champions.
the west zone takraw championships ended on friday.
securing the guys a spot in the finals.
the exhilaration of victory
left the boys crying
and the girls amused.
the team guarded the ball like it was their lives.
reading each other's minds.
backflipping to send the ball over.
cheering one another on.
not once did they falter.
immediately after the game point, with yati.
the team line-up.
team cheer.
syazana' current squeeze - irwan putra.
i have never seen so many stars shining
in singapore,
yet alone at the park.
beautiful.
he said he would bring me to a place
where the night sky is even lovelier.
i dont think anything beats the night sky at ubin.
a wish for every shooting star
and as i told rage 6 years ago,
my wishes,
they came true.
two straight days
watching the guys play sepak takraw.
the epitome of 11 and 12 year old coolness.
the ball went over the net to their court
in that split second,
he did a back flip and sent the ball over.
got all of us whisltling and cheering
his team mates banging the cooler with their empty bottles
to the typical beat.
more sepak takraw for the entire week.
maybe i'll teach them to use
the super huge pre-emptied black bins
and drum them,
the JJ way.
woo.
